Category: Essays

  • Stop! in the name of love…

    Sea of Roses
    Sea of Roses
    Valentine’s Day makes us contemplate the meaning of love

    Some people wonder how to stay with a war hero husband. Of course when your spouse is on the front you are afraid of loosing him or her.  It is easy to feel the potential loss as ever deeper and growing true love.  The fear of loosing him or her, may actually grow your commitment to be there for your spouse, and to love your spouse with all your heart and soul.  You care for and love your spouse so very, very, very much.

    Later you are so glad that they survived, so thrilled that they came home with out loosing life or limb.  You are so happy when they come home to you and your kids.

    Veterans returning home.
    Veterans returning home.

    Trouble is that if he or she is suffering from a severe case of PTSD, your life will change as well.  PTSD when expressed in a volatile and dangerous way is contagious.

    Here is a true story:

    A man, a vet came home from the war.  He was such a lovely, intelligent and charming man.  When he was conscious, that is.

    When he wasn’t conscious, he turned into a hurtful, brutal and dangerous man.

    In fact, because he was from a very good family, he was raised with the believe that a woman should be protected and cherished.  He had many sisters and was raised to be protective of them as well.  When he fell in love a deep calling rose up in him and he knew that he could be good for something, he could be a hero caring for his little woman.  Even after all the atrocities he had witnessed during his service.  He could protect that this lovely and shy girl who would be his bride.

    The lady was raised in a Christian home and as a proper women who would love and cherish her husband. She was raised to believe that a husband and wife were bonded in the commitment to make marriage not just a holy sacrament, but also to obey and honor her spouse and support him in every possible way, in sickness and in health.  And she was raised to support her husband’s growth in his career and standing in the community.  In short a lovely and very proper woman.

    And, OMG, it really worked. They started life together and enjoyed it fully, they worked hard, and bought a little home.  They planted a garden and had common hobbies. He took her to romantic dinners, and was very proud of his “little woman.”  They were very much in love and looked forward to a bright future with a lovely family.

    What she had not realizes when they had this whirlwind romance, was that somehow during their romance, he didn’t experience any of the symptoms of the PTSD he had sustained in the war.  His parents and siblings thought the young woman was a blessing in all their lives.

    Then after they married he experienced some stress at work and the PTSD that the woman knew nothing about returned. The trouble is, when you are married to a man who has PTSD, no matter how many flowers you receive, no matter how many declarations of love you received, no matter how sincere these declarations actually are, the man may turn on a dime.

    With a nightmare, with some trigger you were unfamiliar with, you might get hurt, beaten, strangled and severely physically compromised.  The emotional pain is insufferable. A proper women may try coping mechanisms that they are taught. This woman tried to cope with the danger and pain by praying.  She forgave him, she loved him, and she was determined to stand by her man.

    The praying really did help her to keep her calm, but it didn’t keep her safe.  Eventually she ended up in the hospital with a severe cut in her head, bruises all over her body, and she needed to get stitches so quickly to stop the severe bleeding, that she ended up with 27 stitches on her shaved skull without anesthesia.

    Love alone is not enough.  So if you have a good reason, a wonderful reason to love a man, a mighty and wonderful man. and he hurts you.  Stop, in the name of love!  Stop.  Stop pretending it will get better, stop thinking that it is your fault. Stop. Stop the lies that keep you bonded to such an unhealthy situation.

    Get help!!! Help is out there, and you can be free of an abuser. Even if you know that it is not his fault that he experienced such terrible hardships and pain. It is not your fault either and you don’t have to deal with it on your own.

    PTSD is recently acknowledged as a potential result of war engagement. But if you are just a kind woman who loves your man, you may need some serious help to keep you and the children safe.  Love alone will not heal this potentially dangerous condition. And, as many people found out, the constant stress and danger of living with an unpredictable, hurtful, disrespectful man, causes the spouse PTSD as well.  Unfortunately  it is contagious.

    So get help.  He needs therapy.  There are some forms of therapy that are promising.  But while he is in therapy, you and the kids may have to watch out for your own safely.  The lady in the story eventually knew that she had to leave him, so he would not turn into her murderer.  She did this after he held her at knife point of a long kitchen knife for 1 and 1/2 hours talking like a crazy man, wondering aloud if his pain would stop, if he killed her. She finally realized that it was her god given duty not to help him ruin his life entirely.  She realized that she could best help him by being away from him.

    The shock of loosing her helped him.  He got therapy for PTSD and after 10 more painful years, he slowly got better.  He told her that he was glad for both of them that she had left when she did.  By leaving him she helped him to stop the negative spiral he was on.  The loss of her and her love woke him up to the fact that he had a serious problem. Before she left him, he thought “she was the problem.”  He thought if she was kinder, or more strong willed, or funnier or not as afraid of him, or not as angry, he would not have had to punish her all the time.

    He told her that he strongly believed he may actually have killed her eventually, if she didn’t leave him.   A study in 2015 showed that 94 percent of women killed by men were murdered by someone they knew. Of the victims who knew their offenders, 62 percent were wives or other intimate acquaintances of their killers.

    On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.1

    1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.  More

    Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is get away from someone you love.   For the rest of us, who are in a wonderful and happy relationships that works or can be nurtured into working, we may wish to support those who are not so lucky.  Support the National Coalition Against Family Violence

  • America for several hundred years stood for freedom, and now?

    Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence
    Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence

    Since this nation was started it strongly associated with certain principles. During a time when a very large part of Americans brought in a man who seems to hold no respect the principle of freedom in his heart, we do well to remind ourselves what Freedom actually means and why the US wanted to be free from arbitrary rules of George III of England, who did not respect Americans as enjoying these inalienable rights.  Somehow nearly half of Americans seem to have forgotten and are now promoting Trump and his compadre Putin’s style of government which does not promote Freedom.

     

    IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
    The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America
    When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have  connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
    
    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
    
    He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
    
    He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
    
    He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
    
    He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
    
    He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
    
    He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
    
    He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
    
    He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.
    
    He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
    
    He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.
    
    He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
    
    He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
    
    He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
    
    For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
    
    For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
    
    For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
    
    For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
    
    For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:
    
    For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
    
    For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies
    
    For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
    
    For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
    
    He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
    
    He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
    
    He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
    
    He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
    
    He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
    
    In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
    
    Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
    
    We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

    New Hampshire:
    Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

    Massachusetts:
    John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

    Rhode Island:
    Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

    Connecticut:
    Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

    New York:
    William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

    New Jersey:
    Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

    Pennsylvania:
    Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

    Delaware:
    Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

    Maryland:
    Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

    Virginia:
    George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

    North Carolina:
    William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

    South Carolina:
    Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

    Georgia:
    Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton